Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
