The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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