I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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