The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
