the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
