So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
