look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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