We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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