cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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