Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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