After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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