Life is so much better after having sex.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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