My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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