I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
