So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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