So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
These tits shall not be calmed
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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