i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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