Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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