please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
