I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
