I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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