Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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