my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
