either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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