I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
