She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
