Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
