I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
