why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
