So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
