I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
