I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
