the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
