he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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