Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
