You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
