My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
