just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
