Swine flu. Run for my life!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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