The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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