Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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