rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
