im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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