maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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