he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
