Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
