The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
