if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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