Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
