Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
