I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
