well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I love you. Go after that dick
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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