the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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