i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
