just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
