you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
